Pattern of my life

See him on the weekend.
Come home feeling sad because you're not hanging out with him anymore.
Go to sleep.
Wake up.
Feel crushing weight of loneliness and longing and feel awful about how scared you are to say anything and question everything about yourself and cry.
Write a blog post.

I should be doing homework

I am actually embarrassed that I'm this focused on him all the time.

This weekend was actually the best thing ever. I was so fucking happy when I got to hug him and sleep next to him. Even if he might've wanted me to just go away.

And Sunday was so lovely. But when he left I just felt like shit. We went to get food and I couldn't help talking about him. I was so close to crying. In the middle of grill'd on a perfectly nice night with amazing friends and really nothing to complain about. Because he went home. And I was too scared to say anything again.

I'm so sure he knows now. I mean, I spent half the night cuddled up to him in the spa and even with the excuses of cuddling everyone else and lack of sobriety I don't think I'm going to get away with that. Or lying on top of him while he was playing pokemon. Even if he was cold.

I might be imagining it but I feel like he avoids talking to me a bit. Probably because I make him uncomfortable.

I just wish this was easier. I wish writing this out didn't make me cry. I wish I could tell him. I wish everything could be as good as it was on that ride yesterday. Because I honestly don't think I've ever been happier.

I feel like shit

He's probably ganna reject me and I'm ganna cry.

I'm already crying.