I'm a bitch

I'm starting to feel like I just want her to leave me alone.

I like being her friend but I keep having her drunk self thrust upon me and I don't like that. And I don't want to have to deal with all of her problems all the time.

If she's going to be self destructive then I'd really like her to not make me aware of it because it makes me feel helpless and useless and anxious and uncomfortable. I have my own problems, especially this year, and I really can't afford to have her taking up all my time. She doesn't ask for my time or anything but she just never stops being hard work.

I used to have one conversation that she wasn't in and I knew I was being selfish by not adding her. I knew it was mean. But I really didn't want to add her because it was my escape. I could talk to them and not think about her or her problems. I could have conversations lightheartedly and not feel guilty about having my own problems. But the other people know her, they added her and they were right to.
But now I just don't know where to go or what to do.

It's really hard to deal with all of my own yr 12 stuff and problems with feelings as well as worrying about her being dead one day.

I'm far too angry about this probably but I never complain to her about it and it affects me and maybe she should think about me.

Maybe she should listen to me when I have problems if she expects me to stay on the phone to her all night when she drinks too much and she's alone and scared.

She just went offline and I'm glad and I hope she doesn't come back.

I've stopped caring that this is mean, I just wanna feel like I have a life of my own instead of just being her support.

Pattern of my life

See him on the weekend.
Come home feeling sad because you're not hanging out with him anymore.
Go to sleep.
Wake up.
Feel crushing weight of loneliness and longing and feel awful about how scared you are to say anything and question everything about yourself and cry.
Write a blog post.

I should be doing homework

I am actually embarrassed that I'm this focused on him all the time.

This weekend was actually the best thing ever. I was so fucking happy when I got to hug him and sleep next to him. Even if he might've wanted me to just go away.

And Sunday was so lovely. But when he left I just felt like shit. We went to get food and I couldn't help talking about him. I was so close to crying. In the middle of grill'd on a perfectly nice night with amazing friends and really nothing to complain about. Because he went home. And I was too scared to say anything again.

I'm so sure he knows now. I mean, I spent half the night cuddled up to him in the spa and even with the excuses of cuddling everyone else and lack of sobriety I don't think I'm going to get away with that. Or lying on top of him while he was playing pokemon. Even if he was cold.

I might be imagining it but I feel like he avoids talking to me a bit. Probably because I make him uncomfortable.

I just wish this was easier. I wish writing this out didn't make me cry. I wish I could tell him. I wish everything could be as good as it was on that ride yesterday. Because I honestly don't think I've ever been happier.

I feel like shit

He's probably ganna reject me and I'm ganna cry.

I'm already crying.

toast with jam

wow that title is so lewd lololololol.

I love making jokes to no one about things barely anyone understands.

But yeah, I'm talking about jam again.

I went to a party this weekend that he went to too. And it was a valentines party - kinda. I'd written him a valentine letter thingy but i was too scared to give it to him. I didn't even talk to him that much. I did a bit. I just feel so boring when I try to talk him.

Anyway, the point of this story is that for a while I really felt like he liked me. And then I didn't talk to him for a while because school and because I felt like I was being annoying. And he didn't talk to me either. And then I was feeling really terrible about it because I tend to exaggerate things when I don't see/talk to the person.

When we went to tara's after the party she said I should give him the letter next time I see him. Also I wrote a thing and put it on the shipping wall. So he's seen my message now, it's just anon. Also it's a bit silly because I was drinking when I wrote it.

He started uni today and I sent him a message wishing him a good first day and he said "haha thanks :)" and basically I've interacted with him more in the last week than the two weeks previous. Which is nice. But now that he's started uni he might be all crazy busy. I know I'll see him in two weeks at may's though. Which is nice and I'm looking forward to it. But I'm scared because I'll have to make myself give him the letter.

Last night I was being all silly about him and listening to love songs and watching the lightning and blah. Being a huge teenagery douche. It's a strange thing to think I'm older than him. Because I can't imagine him being as immature as me. Maybe he is and I just don't know it. He's only 16. 16!

Then there's hugh and I am an awful person because I can't tell him to back off. I'd feel too mean for it but it's probably worse to let him keep pushing it like he is. bluh. I like the attention too much.

Now I'm ganna try to do yr 12 amongst all this internal conflict and emotional stuff all up in my brain. I have never been the kind of person who bought into all this stuff. I don't have crushes. Oh well. I have to say I kind of like it. Even if half the time I'm worried he doesn't like me. He always makes me happy. He's far funnier and smarter and awesomer than me.

Wow, now I just feel like he's way out of my league. Probably is. He's a super cool hipster, no matter how much he denies it. I even like his instagram. And his random guitar playing in public. And his hair. bluh. I have too much spare thinking time.

tl;dr: steph likes jam and doesn't know if he likes her back, angst ensues.

hehehe secrety bloggy stuff

I am so sneaky.

So basically I have loads of new friends and they don't know about this blog and my friends who do know about it have almost certainly forgotten about it so I can write whatever I want here.

And what I want to write about is a boy. How original.

But this one is a boy that I actually talk to so it's an upgraded version of the blogs I wrote two years ago... and have since deleted.

Ok, so everyone knows so I won't bother trying to be all secrety. His name's Jim and I sometimes call him Jam.

The first time I met him was at a homestuck meet in a park and he was climbing a tree with skill while I sat kinda half up the tree and he said he was going to find more trees and I went with him (and some others) because climbing trees rules. So we climbed trees together although I was incredibly bad at it and he was swinging around like a monkey. We just kinda talked to each other a fair bit and it was really fun. We went to feed ducks and we were sitting near each other and talking and then we climbed a tree with only Ruby staying with us and we walked back to out stuff together.
Then he added me on facebook and we talked to each other there and blah blah it was good. We talked about serious-ish stuff and were generally silly. :D
Then I planned a camping thing at my house with some of our friends and he came and we got attacked by a spa together and we spent the second (and last) night holding hands and I may have been slightly slightly ecstatic about it. And I played with his hair the next day and it was nice.
And I was texting him a bit last week and stuff.

Basically the point is: I like him a lot. I would kind of like to tell him but I'm not really sure. I mostly don't want to be rejected... which is obvious but still.

I spent about an hour tonight looking through the 'valentines' tag on tumblr. And I spend far too much time relating songs to him. And just thinking about him in general.

I wish he lived closer. Or I did.

I wish I knew if he liked me. Because he definitely seemed flirty just after I met him and stuff but now I don't know. Maybe he got to know me and realised he didn't like me like that :( Or maybe I'm just getting used to it from talking to him so much. I really hope I haven't talked to him too much and made myself annoying.

But I don't want to think about that.

I tend to think about things too much and the longer it's been since I saw a person the worse I expect them to think of me. Because people make me happy and being away from them makes me sad.

Oh well, school starts soon so I'll be distracted. Hopefully. And then I'll see him again soon enough.

MAH MAH MAH

FEELING ARE HAPPENING.

And damn it feels weird posting this while I'm in a chatty thing with him.

I am actually happy today, despite this.

*This blog is me being the kind of person I get annoyed at, keep that in mind.*

So... I sometimes wonder how other people think of me. Not like, if they think I'm nice or anything (althought that too) I think about whether they care about me. Because I really care about people. It's almost ironic that one of my friends said in a speech that I don't care what other people think of me. I sometimes think it's the people who don't seem to care that care the most. I spend way too much of my time caring.
I think I might be a natural stalker or something because I like to know what people are doing... I'm so weird.

I don't know if people feel anywhere near how I feel about my friends. I value every second I spend with them. When I get an email from a friend I can't help but smile. I try my hardest to spend time wiht them because that's what makes me happy. Sometimes it feels like they do not like being with me.
I'm aware that I can be very annoying. I tell stupid stories and I never shut up. Annoying. But I try really hard to stop doing things like that coz I know they annoy people. I want people to want to be around me. There are times when I try to figure what makes me want to be with people so that I can do it too.

I'm so clingy and annoying and ridiculously jealous.
My friend tells me she's going somewhere with another of my friends, I must be there.
I'm terrified of being left out and not being friends with them anymore.
I want them to ask me to do things with them, because they want to be around me.

Complain, complain, complain.
Dude, I really never shut up.

This blog makes no sense because I'm babbling.
And yes, I am showing this to my friends because I want them to know and I could never say this stuff to them in person.
My biggest worry right now is that they'll see the link to my blog and ignore it.