I'm starting to feel like I just want her to leave me alone.
I like being her friend but I keep having her drunk self thrust upon me and I don't like that. And I don't want to have to deal with all of her problems all the time.
If she's going to be self destructive then I'd really like her to not make me aware of it because it makes me feel helpless and useless and anxious and uncomfortable. I have my own problems, especially this year, and I really can't afford to have her taking up all my time. She doesn't ask for my time or anything but she just never stops being hard work.
I used to have one conversation that she wasn't in and I knew I was being selfish by not adding her. I knew it was mean. But I really didn't want to add her because it was my escape. I could talk to them and not think about her or her problems. I could have conversations lightheartedly and not feel guilty about having my own problems. But the other people know her, they added her and they were right to.
But now I just don't know where to go or what to do.
It's really hard to deal with all of my own yr 12 stuff and problems with feelings as well as worrying about her being dead one day.
I'm far too angry about this probably but I never complain to her about it and it affects me and maybe she should think about me.
Maybe she should listen to me when I have problems if she expects me to stay on the phone to her all night when she drinks too much and she's alone and scared.
She just went offline and I'm glad and I hope she doesn't come back.
I've stopped caring that this is mean, I just wanna feel like I have a life of my own instead of just being her support.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Pattern of my life
See him on the weekend.
Come home feeling sad because you're not hanging out with him anymore.
Go to sleep.
Wake up.
Feel crushing weight of loneliness and longing and feel awful about how scared you are to say anything and question everything about yourself and cry.
Write a blog post.
Come home feeling sad because you're not hanging out with him anymore.
Go to sleep.
Wake up.
Feel crushing weight of loneliness and longing and feel awful about how scared you are to say anything and question everything about yourself and cry.
Write a blog post.
I should be doing homework
I am actually embarrassed that I'm this focused on him all the time.
This weekend was actually the best thing ever. I was so fucking happy when I got to hug him and sleep next to him. Even if he might've wanted me to just go away.
And Sunday was so lovely. But when he left I just felt like shit. We went to get food and I couldn't help talking about him. I was so close to crying. In the middle of grill'd on a perfectly nice night with amazing friends and really nothing to complain about. Because he went home. And I was too scared to say anything again.
I'm so sure he knows now. I mean, I spent half the night cuddled up to him in the spa and even with the excuses of cuddling everyone else and lack of sobriety I don't think I'm going to get away with that. Or lying on top of him while he was playing pokemon. Even if he was cold.
I might be imagining it but I feel like he avoids talking to me a bit. Probably because I make him uncomfortable.
I just wish this was easier. I wish writing this out didn't make me cry. I wish I could tell him. I wish everything could be as good as it was on that ride yesterday. Because I honestly don't think I've ever been happier.
This weekend was actually the best thing ever. I was so fucking happy when I got to hug him and sleep next to him. Even if he might've wanted me to just go away.
And Sunday was so lovely. But when he left I just felt like shit. We went to get food and I couldn't help talking about him. I was so close to crying. In the middle of grill'd on a perfectly nice night with amazing friends and really nothing to complain about. Because he went home. And I was too scared to say anything again.
I'm so sure he knows now. I mean, I spent half the night cuddled up to him in the spa and even with the excuses of cuddling everyone else and lack of sobriety I don't think I'm going to get away with that. Or lying on top of him while he was playing pokemon. Even if he was cold.
I might be imagining it but I feel like he avoids talking to me a bit. Probably because I make him uncomfortable.
I just wish this was easier. I wish writing this out didn't make me cry. I wish I could tell him. I wish everything could be as good as it was on that ride yesterday. Because I honestly don't think I've ever been happier.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
toast with jam
wow that title is so lewd lololololol.
I love making jokes to no one about things barely anyone understands.
But yeah, I'm talking about jam again.
I went to a party this weekend that he went to too. And it was a valentines party - kinda. I'd written him a valentine letter thingy but i was too scared to give it to him. I didn't even talk to him that much. I did a bit. I just feel so boring when I try to talk him.
Anyway, the point of this story is that for a while I really felt like he liked me. And then I didn't talk to him for a while because school and because I felt like I was being annoying. And he didn't talk to me either. And then I was feeling really terrible about it because I tend to exaggerate things when I don't see/talk to the person.
When we went to tara's after the party she said I should give him the letter next time I see him. Also I wrote a thing and put it on the shipping wall. So he's seen my message now, it's just anon. Also it's a bit silly because I was drinking when I wrote it.
He started uni today and I sent him a message wishing him a good first day and he said "haha thanks :)" and basically I've interacted with him more in the last week than the two weeks previous. Which is nice. But now that he's started uni he might be all crazy busy. I know I'll see him in two weeks at may's though. Which is nice and I'm looking forward to it. But I'm scared because I'll have to make myself give him the letter.
Last night I was being all silly about him and listening to love songs and watching the lightning and blah. Being a huge teenagery douche. It's a strange thing to think I'm older than him. Because I can't imagine him being as immature as me. Maybe he is and I just don't know it. He's only 16. 16!
Then there's hugh and I am an awful person because I can't tell him to back off. I'd feel too mean for it but it's probably worse to let him keep pushing it like he is. bluh. I like the attention too much.
Now I'm ganna try to do yr 12 amongst all this internal conflict and emotional stuff all up in my brain. I have never been the kind of person who bought into all this stuff. I don't have crushes. Oh well. I have to say I kind of like it. Even if half the time I'm worried he doesn't like me. He always makes me happy. He's far funnier and smarter and awesomer than me.
Wow, now I just feel like he's way out of my league. Probably is. He's a super cool hipster, no matter how much he denies it. I even like his instagram. And his random guitar playing in public. And his hair. bluh. I have too much spare thinking time.
tl;dr: steph likes jam and doesn't know if he likes her back, angst ensues.
I love making jokes to no one about things barely anyone understands.
But yeah, I'm talking about jam again.
I went to a party this weekend that he went to too. And it was a valentines party - kinda. I'd written him a valentine letter thingy but i was too scared to give it to him. I didn't even talk to him that much. I did a bit. I just feel so boring when I try to talk him.
Anyway, the point of this story is that for a while I really felt like he liked me. And then I didn't talk to him for a while because school and because I felt like I was being annoying. And he didn't talk to me either. And then I was feeling really terrible about it because I tend to exaggerate things when I don't see/talk to the person.
When we went to tara's after the party she said I should give him the letter next time I see him. Also I wrote a thing and put it on the shipping wall. So he's seen my message now, it's just anon. Also it's a bit silly because I was drinking when I wrote it.
He started uni today and I sent him a message wishing him a good first day and he said "haha thanks :)" and basically I've interacted with him more in the last week than the two weeks previous. Which is nice. But now that he's started uni he might be all crazy busy. I know I'll see him in two weeks at may's though. Which is nice and I'm looking forward to it. But I'm scared because I'll have to make myself give him the letter.
Last night I was being all silly about him and listening to love songs and watching the lightning and blah. Being a huge teenagery douche. It's a strange thing to think I'm older than him. Because I can't imagine him being as immature as me. Maybe he is and I just don't know it. He's only 16. 16!
Then there's hugh and I am an awful person because I can't tell him to back off. I'd feel too mean for it but it's probably worse to let him keep pushing it like he is. bluh. I like the attention too much.
Now I'm ganna try to do yr 12 amongst all this internal conflict and emotional stuff all up in my brain. I have never been the kind of person who bought into all this stuff. I don't have crushes. Oh well. I have to say I kind of like it. Even if half the time I'm worried he doesn't like me. He always makes me happy. He's far funnier and smarter and awesomer than me.
Wow, now I just feel like he's way out of my league. Probably is. He's a super cool hipster, no matter how much he denies it. I even like his instagram. And his random guitar playing in public. And his hair. bluh. I have too much spare thinking time.
tl;dr: steph likes jam and doesn't know if he likes her back, angst ensues.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
hehehe secrety bloggy stuff
I am so sneaky.
So basically I have loads of new friends and they don't know about this blog and my friends who do know about it have almost certainly forgotten about it so I can write whatever I want here.
And what I want to write about is a boy. How original.
But this one is a boy that I actually talk to so it's an upgraded version of the blogs I wrote two years ago... and have since deleted.
Ok, so everyone knows so I won't bother trying to be all secrety. His name's Jim and I sometimes call him Jam.
The first time I met him was at a homestuck meet in a park and he was climbing a tree with skill while I sat kinda half up the tree and he said he was going to find more trees and I went with him (and some others) because climbing trees rules. So we climbed trees together although I was incredibly bad at it and he was swinging around like a monkey. We just kinda talked to each other a fair bit and it was really fun. We went to feed ducks and we were sitting near each other and talking and then we climbed a tree with only Ruby staying with us and we walked back to out stuff together.
Then he added me on facebook and we talked to each other there and blah blah it was good. We talked about serious-ish stuff and were generally silly. :D
Then I planned a camping thing at my house with some of our friends and he came and we got attacked by a spa together and we spent the second (and last) night holding hands and I may have been slightly slightly ecstatic about it. And I played with his hair the next day and it was nice.
And I was texting him a bit last week and stuff.
Basically the point is: I like him a lot. I would kind of like to tell him but I'm not really sure. I mostly don't want to be rejected... which is obvious but still.
I spent about an hour tonight looking through the 'valentines' tag on tumblr. And I spend far too much time relating songs to him. And just thinking about him in general.
I wish he lived closer. Or I did.
I wish I knew if he liked me. Because he definitely seemed flirty just after I met him and stuff but now I don't know. Maybe he got to know me and realised he didn't like me like that :( Or maybe I'm just getting used to it from talking to him so much. I really hope I haven't talked to him too much and made myself annoying.
But I don't want to think about that.
I tend to think about things too much and the longer it's been since I saw a person the worse I expect them to think of me. Because people make me happy and being away from them makes me sad.
Oh well, school starts soon so I'll be distracted. Hopefully. And then I'll see him again soon enough.
MAH MAH MAH
FEELING ARE HAPPENING.
And damn it feels weird posting this while I'm in a chatty thing with him.
So basically I have loads of new friends and they don't know about this blog and my friends who do know about it have almost certainly forgotten about it so I can write whatever I want here.
And what I want to write about is a boy. How original.
But this one is a boy that I actually talk to so it's an upgraded version of the blogs I wrote two years ago... and have since deleted.
Ok, so everyone knows so I won't bother trying to be all secrety. His name's Jim and I sometimes call him Jam.
The first time I met him was at a homestuck meet in a park and he was climbing a tree with skill while I sat kinda half up the tree and he said he was going to find more trees and I went with him (and some others) because climbing trees rules. So we climbed trees together although I was incredibly bad at it and he was swinging around like a monkey. We just kinda talked to each other a fair bit and it was really fun. We went to feed ducks and we were sitting near each other and talking and then we climbed a tree with only Ruby staying with us and we walked back to out stuff together.
Then he added me on facebook and we talked to each other there and blah blah it was good. We talked about serious-ish stuff and were generally silly. :D
Then I planned a camping thing at my house with some of our friends and he came and we got attacked by a spa together and we spent the second (and last) night holding hands and I may have been slightly slightly ecstatic about it. And I played with his hair the next day and it was nice.
And I was texting him a bit last week and stuff.
Basically the point is: I like him a lot. I would kind of like to tell him but I'm not really sure. I mostly don't want to be rejected... which is obvious but still.
I spent about an hour tonight looking through the 'valentines' tag on tumblr. And I spend far too much time relating songs to him. And just thinking about him in general.
I wish he lived closer. Or I did.
I wish I knew if he liked me. Because he definitely seemed flirty just after I met him and stuff but now I don't know. Maybe he got to know me and realised he didn't like me like that :( Or maybe I'm just getting used to it from talking to him so much. I really hope I haven't talked to him too much and made myself annoying.
But I don't want to think about that.
I tend to think about things too much and the longer it's been since I saw a person the worse I expect them to think of me. Because people make me happy and being away from them makes me sad.
Oh well, school starts soon so I'll be distracted. Hopefully. And then I'll see him again soon enough.
MAH MAH MAH
FEELING ARE HAPPENING.
And damn it feels weird posting this while I'm in a chatty thing with him.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I am actually happy today, despite this.
*This blog is me being the kind of person I get annoyed at, keep that in mind.*
So... I sometimes wonder how other people think of me. Not like, if they think I'm nice or anything (althought that too) I think about whether they care about me. Because I really care about people. It's almost ironic that one of my friends said in a speech that I don't care what other people think of me. I sometimes think it's the people who don't seem to care that care the most. I spend way too much of my time caring.
I think I might be a natural stalker or something because I like to know what people are doing... I'm so weird.
I don't know if people feel anywhere near how I feel about my friends. I value every second I spend with them. When I get an email from a friend I can't help but smile. I try my hardest to spend time wiht them because that's what makes me happy. Sometimes it feels like they do not like being with me.
I'm aware that I can be very annoying. I tell stupid stories and I never shut up. Annoying. But I try really hard to stop doing things like that coz I know they annoy people. I want people to want to be around me. There are times when I try to figure what makes me want to be with people so that I can do it too.
I'm so clingy and annoying and ridiculously jealous.
My friend tells me she's going somewhere with another of my friends, I must be there.
I'm terrified of being left out and not being friends with them anymore.
I want them to ask me to do things with them, because they want to be around me.
Complain, complain, complain.
Dude, I really never shut up.
This blog makes no sense because I'm babbling.
And yes, I am showing this to my friends because I want them to know and I could never say this stuff to them in person.
My biggest worry right now is that they'll see the link to my blog and ignore it.
So... I sometimes wonder how other people think of me. Not like, if they think I'm nice or anything (althought that too) I think about whether they care about me. Because I really care about people. It's almost ironic that one of my friends said in a speech that I don't care what other people think of me. I sometimes think it's the people who don't seem to care that care the most. I spend way too much of my time caring.
I think I might be a natural stalker or something because I like to know what people are doing... I'm so weird.
I don't know if people feel anywhere near how I feel about my friends. I value every second I spend with them. When I get an email from a friend I can't help but smile. I try my hardest to spend time wiht them because that's what makes me happy. Sometimes it feels like they do not like being with me.
I'm aware that I can be very annoying. I tell stupid stories and I never shut up. Annoying. But I try really hard to stop doing things like that coz I know they annoy people. I want people to want to be around me. There are times when I try to figure what makes me want to be with people so that I can do it too.
I'm so clingy and annoying and ridiculously jealous.
My friend tells me she's going somewhere with another of my friends, I must be there.
I'm terrified of being left out and not being friends with them anymore.
I want them to ask me to do things with them, because they want to be around me.
Complain, complain, complain.
Dude, I really never shut up.
This blog makes no sense because I'm babbling.
And yes, I am showing this to my friends because I want them to know and I could never say this stuff to them in person.
My biggest worry right now is that they'll see the link to my blog and ignore it.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thirty Days of Music (in one)
People on facebook are doing this 30 day song challenge thing and so I decided to do it but, as we all know, I am shit and doing things with any sort of consistancy. Therefore I will be doing all of it in one go! woot!
I'll give youtube links to the songs but I can't get hyperlinks to work so... dang.
day 01 - your favorite song: The World's Still Ending but it's Cool - Blue Skies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5ciMMVKcxg
day 02 - your least favorite song: Thao with The Get Down Stay Down - When We Swam. I don't know why, I just hate this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjzKkyQoe1U
day 03 - a song that makes you happy: CANDYPOP - Heatsdales Feat. SOUL'd Out . Always makes me happy. So does the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpngPL1-Fq4
day 04 - a song that makes you sad: This one was a toss up so I've gone for two. Both songs have made me cry, one I wrote about in my last blog so I wanted to give a new one but I thought they bothe deserved a mention.
Alaska - Blue Skies
Dinosaur - Kisschasy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kHtxxv3qYo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-Qs5Wgp4Qw
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone: Bad Romance - Lady Gaga. From a whole night singing this song loudly and badly with Alex. In the fort. That I made. When I was 15.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere: I'm on a Boat - The Lonely Island. Camp this year in the mounrtains. I don't know the exact location but it was pretty. We altered it to be "I'm on a Horse"... horse riding camp.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event: Where's Margo - Hank Green. Reminds me of eating pepermint slice on the poppet head in the wind. Then getting into the video :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MKbMWOBlWA
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to: I know all the words to a lot of songs, I'm good with lyrics, but one that I'm really proud of is Nape of the Neck - Miku Hatsune (はすつねみく)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNrBkQoc_-U
... but I don't sing it near japanese people.
day 09 - a song that you can dance to: CHALLENGER - Diggy MO. Epic song. In japanese. So awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nBL8pLcX14
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep: Ironically, it's called Say Awake - Lydia. So lovely.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSRYo0vrNa8
day 11 - a song from your favorite band: I don't have a favourite band but I do really like Blue Skies' covers (and orignals), so Flathead - The Fratellis, covered by Blue Skies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8WpxgDh5Rs
day 12 - a song from a band you hate: Only Girl (in the world) - Rihanna. No words decribe how much I hate it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa14VNsdSYM&feature=artistob&playnext=1&list=TLBH-l-2ZM05k
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure: If you could read my mind - Stars on 54
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lwvPFk77l8
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love: Pricetag - Jessie J Feat. B.o.B. My sister kept playing this until I liked it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lwvPFk77l8
day 15 - a song that describes you: Happy Medium - Julia Nunes. I dunno really, I just relate to this song and the whole happy medium thing. Good song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFfvrY2hk7o
... someone filmed her singing it so it's not perfect but it's still good.
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate: Accio Deathly Hallows - Hank Green. I don't so much hate it as I've just listened to it too many times. I skip it on my ipod.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvvFiZyEyTA
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio: Snoop Dogg - Sweat (David Guetta Remix). I only listen to the radio in the car but this is on the radio soooooo often.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnEXrbAQyIo
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio: Don't unplug me - ALL CAPS. Coz really, how awesome would that be?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_51Hs56wW4
day 19 - a song from your favorite album: Chemical Love - Charlie McDonnell. His album is lovely. Also I don't have a lot of albums.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAigCKiqYvw
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - False Pretense. I listen to it at other times too but it's a good angry song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiCZdvQXULE
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy: Saskia Hamilton - Ben Folds and Nick Hornby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JP5lUN_4Eo
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad: Butterfly in the Breeze - Eddplant. It's kind of pessimistic so when I'm sad I listen to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDIND1F7FR8
... starts about 1:40
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding: In the Shadows - The Rasumus. Love this song. Inside jokes from yr7 FTW!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ao2u7F_Qzg
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral: Once more with feeling - Blue Skies cover (Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly). So pretty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzOcC1kKwXQ
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh: Fever for the Flava - Hot Action Cop. Hilarity at it's best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAURo0rwt6g
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument: Hot Cross Buns.
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play: July - Ryan Seiler. Recent adition to my music but I love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_HJgvmEYJM
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty: Just A Little Girl - Trading Yesterday. There's a line in this song that says "You could never understand the demons that I've faced." I feel like I can't help my friends when they need(or needed) me because I just can't understand. So I feel guilty for being so ever-happy andd ever-optimistic. :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aWqx6cmIrs
day 29 - a song from your childhood: From Little Things Big Things Grow - Paul Kelly. My dad always used to sing it to me and change the words to "From little Stephs big Stephs grow".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tHEGo-g3mw
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year: Talking Bird - Death Cab for Cutie. I had the demo from one of their EPs I bought. It's just nice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk4LAVfbn5E
There. Thirty days of music in one go.
I'll give youtube links to the songs but I can't get hyperlinks to work so... dang.
day 01 - your favorite song: The World's Still Ending but it's Cool - Blue Skies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5ciMMVKcxg
day 02 - your least favorite song: Thao with The Get Down Stay Down - When We Swam. I don't know why, I just hate this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjzKkyQoe1U
day 03 - a song that makes you happy: CANDYPOP - Heatsdales Feat. SOUL'd Out . Always makes me happy. So does the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpngPL1-Fq4
day 04 - a song that makes you sad: This one was a toss up so I've gone for two. Both songs have made me cry, one I wrote about in my last blog so I wanted to give a new one but I thought they bothe deserved a mention.
Alaska - Blue Skies
Dinosaur - Kisschasy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kHtxxv3qYo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-Qs5Wgp4Qw
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone: Bad Romance - Lady Gaga. From a whole night singing this song loudly and badly with Alex. In the fort. That I made. When I was 15.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere: I'm on a Boat - The Lonely Island. Camp this year in the mounrtains. I don't know the exact location but it was pretty. We altered it to be "I'm on a Horse"... horse riding camp.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event: Where's Margo - Hank Green. Reminds me of eating pepermint slice on the poppet head in the wind. Then getting into the video :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MKbMWOBlWA
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to: I know all the words to a lot of songs, I'm good with lyrics, but one that I'm really proud of is Nape of the Neck - Miku Hatsune (はすつねみく)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNrBkQoc_-U
... but I don't sing it near japanese people.
day 09 - a song that you can dance to: CHALLENGER - Diggy MO. Epic song. In japanese. So awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nBL8pLcX14
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep: Ironically, it's called Say Awake - Lydia. So lovely.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSRYo0vrNa8
day 11 - a song from your favorite band: I don't have a favourite band but I do really like Blue Skies' covers (and orignals), so Flathead - The Fratellis, covered by Blue Skies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8WpxgDh5Rs
day 12 - a song from a band you hate: Only Girl (in the world) - Rihanna. No words decribe how much I hate it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa14VNsdSYM&feature=artistob&playnext=1&list=TLBH-l-2ZM05k
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure: If you could read my mind - Stars on 54
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lwvPFk77l8
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love: Pricetag - Jessie J Feat. B.o.B. My sister kept playing this until I liked it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lwvPFk77l8
day 15 - a song that describes you: Happy Medium - Julia Nunes. I dunno really, I just relate to this song and the whole happy medium thing. Good song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFfvrY2hk7o
... someone filmed her singing it so it's not perfect but it's still good.
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate: Accio Deathly Hallows - Hank Green. I don't so much hate it as I've just listened to it too many times. I skip it on my ipod.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvvFiZyEyTA
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio: Snoop Dogg - Sweat (David Guetta Remix). I only listen to the radio in the car but this is on the radio soooooo often.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnEXrbAQyIo
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio: Don't unplug me - ALL CAPS. Coz really, how awesome would that be?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_51Hs56wW4
day 19 - a song from your favorite album: Chemical Love - Charlie McDonnell. His album is lovely. Also I don't have a lot of albums.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAigCKiqYvw
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - False Pretense. I listen to it at other times too but it's a good angry song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiCZdvQXULE
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy: Saskia Hamilton - Ben Folds and Nick Hornby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JP5lUN_4Eo
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad: Butterfly in the Breeze - Eddplant. It's kind of pessimistic so when I'm sad I listen to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDIND1F7FR8
... starts about 1:40
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding: In the Shadows - The Rasumus. Love this song. Inside jokes from yr7 FTW!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ao2u7F_Qzg
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral: Once more with feeling - Blue Skies cover (Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly). So pretty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzOcC1kKwXQ
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh: Fever for the Flava - Hot Action Cop. Hilarity at it's best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAURo0rwt6g
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument: Hot Cross Buns.
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play: July - Ryan Seiler. Recent adition to my music but I love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_HJgvmEYJM
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty: Just A Little Girl - Trading Yesterday. There's a line in this song that says "You could never understand the demons that I've faced." I feel like I can't help my friends when they need(or needed) me because I just can't understand. So I feel guilty for being so ever-happy andd ever-optimistic. :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aWqx6cmIrs
day 29 - a song from your childhood: From Little Things Big Things Grow - Paul Kelly. My dad always used to sing it to me and change the words to "From little Stephs big Stephs grow".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tHEGo-g3mw
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year: Talking Bird - Death Cab for Cutie. I had the demo from one of their EPs I bought. It's just nice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk4LAVfbn5E
There. Thirty days of music in one go.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Dinosaurs
I am such a weak sook sometimes. This song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-Qs5Wgp4Qw makes me cry every time I hear it. Without fail. I don't even have a reason to be crying. I think it's just coz I really like dinosaurs but awwwwww.
So, yeah, just been crying because of it. I love it anyway.
I'll think of something else to make this interesting...
nope. I've got nothing can't you see me baby :P
blahhhh
So, yeah, just been crying because of it. I love it anyway.
I'll think of something else to make this interesting...
nope. I've got nothing can't you see me baby :P
blahhhh
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Wahoo, Easter
Firstly, Sydney. I got stuff :D Namely three mannga and a comic book, a dress, some pants, two pairs and shorts and some thongs. We went to my sister's diving comp and DFO and Bondi and the Bridge the Easter fair.
Speaking of Easter, Happy Easter. Today was pretty boring for me because I was at my auntie's house and had nothing to do. Also I was really tired because last night I was up late watching Lucky Star, I forgot it was Easter.
Tomorrow I get to wake up at the ungodly hour of 5am to go to the ANZAC day dawn service. It also happens to be my mum's birthday, so I feel pretty sorry for her getting up so early. And to top it off for the rest of the day we're driving to Mansfeild to look at a horse to buy for me.
Good times. Want more holidays. Haven't started homework. Need to clean room. Want to watch more anime. Want more sleep.
At this point of the holidays, especially after first term, I always feel like I would rather die than go back to school. I really can't be bothered being smart or hard working. Why can't I just fail everything and nobody care. And while we'reat it why can't I have millions of dollars for nothing.
Maaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Speaking of Easter, Happy Easter. Today was pretty boring for me because I was at my auntie's house and had nothing to do. Also I was really tired because last night I was up late watching Lucky Star, I forgot it was Easter.
Tomorrow I get to wake up at the ungodly hour of 5am to go to the ANZAC day dawn service. It also happens to be my mum's birthday, so I feel pretty sorry for her getting up so early. And to top it off for the rest of the day we're driving to Mansfeild to look at a horse to buy for me.
Good times. Want more holidays. Haven't started homework. Need to clean room. Want to watch more anime. Want more sleep.
At this point of the holidays, especially after first term, I always feel like I would rather die than go back to school. I really can't be bothered being smart or hard working. Why can't I just fail everything and nobody care. And while we'reat it why can't I have millions of dollars for nothing.
Maaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sydney
Oh I fail at blgging often.
But give me a break, i'm in Sydney and my dad doesn't like to buy internet codes from our hotel.
Today I:
swam at bondi
got a dress
drank lindt hot chocoalte
got three manga and a book
got very sleepy.
Yeah, I'm tired.
More blogging when I'm back
Byebye
But give me a break, i'm in Sydney and my dad doesn't like to buy internet codes from our hotel.
Today I:
swam at bondi
got a dress
drank lindt hot chocoalte
got three manga and a book
got very sleepy.
Yeah, I'm tired.
More blogging when I'm back
Byebye
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Lists
BLODA two, I think we can already see why I didn't do BEDA. I missed at least one day... in the holidays the days melt together.
I did have a list of ideas of blog topics. The only problem with that is that I wrote the list when I was sad and angsty and I've actually had quite a nice day so I'm not in the mood to write about my angst.
Instead I shall write about lists.
I quite like lists. They're really good for me because I forget things easily and think things constantly. I have been known to wake up in the middle of the night and write lists of things to remember on my hand without turning on the light. Needless to say they make little sense. I even wrote a list last night about the things I should do today. It looked like this:
Things For Tomorrow
- organise H/W - pack it - get some done
- pack clothes etc.
- pop goes punk - or something + music
- midoka - download anime, gintama? BRS? Hetalia?
- blog
- FF, dA
To clarify, I'm packing because I leave for Sydney tomorrow and have to do my homework while there.
Pop goes punk is a CD and I wanted to get some music for the trip.
Madoka is an anime my friends keeping talking about so i was going to look it up.
Blog is... uhh this.
FF= Fanfiction, I was ganna write some, dA= Deviantart, I'm always on there.
This typing really fails to capture the thing I love about my lists which is the format. I always have bits coming off my dot points and weird squiggly lines that I make up a meaning for. It just works really well for my brain because it's an expression of the thoughts that come from my brain. Pure brilliance :P
If you're wondering I did organise my books but I didn't do any packing (we don't leave until 3 tomorrow anyway). I got heaps of new music and organised the folders and playlists. I looked up Madoka but didn't download any anime, I did get a myanimelist ( http://myanimelist.net/profile/stephable ) account though. I am writing a blog and I checked dA all day. I haven't written FF yet but plan to after writing this (Want to read my FF? http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2702933/Stephable ).
So lists. They are good. If you like lists then you might like this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY9xWb_xkms
Or this blog, they post people's lists:
http://todolistblog.blogspot.com
That's right, I have list resources. Lists are helpful things :D
End List Blog
I did have a list of ideas of blog topics. The only problem with that is that I wrote the list when I was sad and angsty and I've actually had quite a nice day so I'm not in the mood to write about my angst.
Instead I shall write about lists.
I quite like lists. They're really good for me because I forget things easily and think things constantly. I have been known to wake up in the middle of the night and write lists of things to remember on my hand without turning on the light. Needless to say they make little sense. I even wrote a list last night about the things I should do today. It looked like this:
Things For Tomorrow
- organise H/W - pack it - get some done
- pack clothes etc.
- pop goes punk - or something + music
- midoka - download anime, gintama? BRS? Hetalia?
- blog
- FF, dA
To clarify, I'm packing because I leave for Sydney tomorrow and have to do my homework while there.
Pop goes punk is a CD and I wanted to get some music for the trip.
Madoka is an anime my friends keeping talking about so i was going to look it up.
Blog is... uhh this.
FF= Fanfiction, I was ganna write some, dA= Deviantart, I'm always on there.
This typing really fails to capture the thing I love about my lists which is the format. I always have bits coming off my dot points and weird squiggly lines that I make up a meaning for. It just works really well for my brain because it's an expression of the thoughts that come from my brain. Pure brilliance :P
If you're wondering I did organise my books but I didn't do any packing (we don't leave until 3 tomorrow anyway). I got heaps of new music and organised the folders and playlists. I looked up Madoka but didn't download any anime, I did get a myanimelist ( http://myanimelist.net/profile/stephable ) account though. I am writing a blog and I checked dA all day. I haven't written FF yet but plan to after writing this (Want to read my FF? http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2702933/Stephable ).
So lists. They are good. If you like lists then you might like this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY9xWb_xkms
Or this blog, they post people's lists:
http://todolistblog.blogspot.com
That's right, I have list resources. Lists are helpful things :D
End List Blog
Thursday, April 14, 2011
BLODA - A stolen concept
Blog
Lots
Of
Days in
April
Yeah, It's an idea stolen from meekakitty only she's doing it in vlogs. It's basically the cheaters way of doing BEDA. I'm mainly doing it because I'm going slightly crazy alone in my house and want someone to talk to. I realise that there will probably never be anyone reading this but for the purposes of my own self esteem and ease of writing I will pretend I have an infinite amount of readers bursting to know every tiny thought that passes through my head. If you are a person and you do happen to be reading this I will try to be witty and insightful for your benefit.
Onto my first blog: An Annoying Teenager being Emotional
This year I started year 11 and while I'm coompletely happy with all of my subjects I can't help but miss the core classes that I used to have. We used to have a class that we were with for at least a few classes that meant we got to bond and understand class dynamic and for me it meant being with my friends.
This year I do different subjects to my friends because I do lots more sciencey things and my friends do more design subjects. I do see my friends of course my there's only one friend (close friend) who's in any of my classes at all. Lately I've been feeling very cut off from them all. I feel like the only person I talk to anymore is the friend i have classes with and when I talk to my other friends I fell as if I have to get her to pass messages because I don't see them.
In a way I feel disconnected from all of them because they spend so much more time with each other than with me that when I do get the chance to talk to them I usually end up lost in jokes I missed and continued conversations I never heard the begginning of. I have friends in all of my classes.
I could easily move into their groups. But i want to stay with the friends I have now. I really love my friends.
Being connected means a lot to me and losing it is kind of killing me.
So, YAY for slightly depressing first post in ages, let's hope I clear it up. I feel better just expressing it anyway. There's plently more of that kind of crap in my head so if you want more you're in luck.
Until next time, probably soon.
Lots
Of
Days in
April
Yeah, It's an idea stolen from meekakitty only she's doing it in vlogs. It's basically the cheaters way of doing BEDA. I'm mainly doing it because I'm going slightly crazy alone in my house and want someone to talk to. I realise that there will probably never be anyone reading this but for the purposes of my own self esteem and ease of writing I will pretend I have an infinite amount of readers bursting to know every tiny thought that passes through my head. If you are a person and you do happen to be reading this I will try to be witty and insightful for your benefit.
Onto my first blog: An Annoying Teenager being Emotional
This year I started year 11 and while I'm coompletely happy with all of my subjects I can't help but miss the core classes that I used to have. We used to have a class that we were with for at least a few classes that meant we got to bond and understand class dynamic and for me it meant being with my friends.
This year I do different subjects to my friends because I do lots more sciencey things and my friends do more design subjects. I do see my friends of course my there's only one friend (close friend) who's in any of my classes at all. Lately I've been feeling very cut off from them all. I feel like the only person I talk to anymore is the friend i have classes with and when I talk to my other friends I fell as if I have to get her to pass messages because I don't see them.
In a way I feel disconnected from all of them because they spend so much more time with each other than with me that when I do get the chance to talk to them I usually end up lost in jokes I missed and continued conversations I never heard the begginning of. I have friends in all of my classes.
I could easily move into their groups. But i want to stay with the friends I have now. I really love my friends.
Being connected means a lot to me and losing it is kind of killing me.
So, YAY for slightly depressing first post in ages, let's hope I clear it up. I feel better just expressing it anyway. There's plently more of that kind of crap in my head so if you want more you're in luck.
Until next time, probably soon.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Hey, i'm kinda... here.
So i'm back.
decided to write a blog because i have nothing to do and blogging can be fun. i like to document my life. i'm very sentimental. reccently i've been writing future me emails and writing in a diary and probably some other stuff. OH a photo album.
i have a deviantart. so that's cool. i draw good stuff that should be commented upon and favourited so go do it. here: http://zyrafadesigns.deviantart.com/ now! go!
new years is in a few days and i need to figure out what i'm doing for it so i can, like, do it. i hope new years is fun. i have high expectations.
dinner has actually been ready for a while now so i'm going to head off but before i do here's some fun stuff.
listening to: bread-Charlie Mcdonnell
reading: soul eater and code geass manga
playing: sonic (newfound love)
current time: 9:17pm
byebye
decided to write a blog because i have nothing to do and blogging can be fun. i like to document my life. i'm very sentimental. reccently i've been writing future me emails and writing in a diary and probably some other stuff. OH a photo album.
i have a deviantart. so that's cool. i draw good stuff that should be commented upon and favourited so go do it. here: http://zyrafadesigns.deviantart.com/ now! go!
new years is in a few days and i need to figure out what i'm doing for it so i can, like, do it. i hope new years is fun. i have high expectations.
dinner has actually been ready for a while now so i'm going to head off but before i do here's some fun stuff.
listening to: bread-Charlie Mcdonnell
reading: soul eater and code geass manga
playing: sonic (newfound love)
current time: 9:17pm
byebye
Monday, February 22, 2010
I...
... am VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW!
i know, annoying, she's not teelling you why. well you'll have to ask in person because angry blogs are annoying and incoherant.
i know, annoying, she's not teelling you why. well you'll have to ask in person because angry blogs are annoying and incoherant.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
done didily un, as the ned would say
this shall be the end of my bloga a thon. i haven't watched the videos or anything, i just have a severe lack of material and don't want to bore you to death with blogs about pokemon (which i was playing this morning and i beat a gym and ... yeah)
goodbye my pals.
goodbye my pals.
yummo
bbbbbaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkk,
while i was out in the kitchen i discovered something wonderful!
ready?
mum's making BANANA CAKE! i love banana cake. i totally put less pasta in so i could eat more cake. oh i'm so happy right now, you have no idea.
in other good news, the video i'm loading only goes for 1:45 so it won't take long to load.
yay possitive.
good times
while i was out in the kitchen i discovered something wonderful!
ready?
mum's making BANANA CAKE! i love banana cake. i totally put less pasta in so i could eat more cake. oh i'm so happy right now, you have no idea.
in other good news, the video i'm loading only goes for 1:45 so it won't take long to load.
yay possitive.
good times
one down
i have successfully watched one video! yay! it's been a while though...
i actually can't be bothered to write this at all. i'm hungry. we ran out of bread so i couldn't have toast this morning. i tried to have lunch but failed because i didn't want what i made... i didn't realise til after i made it.
i wanna go boil some pasta because i love pasta but i don't wanna leave the laptop unattended. sad.
well, at least i have some spirit music playing, that's always good. "you can't take me, i'm freee!" awww it's so cool.
i really don't care about this post. it's very crap. i think it's because i'm tired, i don't know why though coz i slept for like 14 hours last night. sdbjfjhakbvdfjhVWDK
i'm going to make some pasta now.
brb
i actually can't be bothered to write this at all. i'm hungry. we ran out of bread so i couldn't have toast this morning. i tried to have lunch but failed because i didn't want what i made... i didn't realise til after i made it.
i wanna go boil some pasta because i love pasta but i don't wanna leave the laptop unattended. sad.
well, at least i have some spirit music playing, that's always good. "you can't take me, i'm freee!" awww it's so cool.
i really don't care about this post. it's very crap. i think it's because i'm tired, i don't know why though coz i slept for like 14 hours last night. sdbjfjhakbvdfjhVWDK
i'm going to make some pasta now.
brb
i bend weirdly
back again!
so, i've been to the physio 3 times already this month and i'm pretty sure i'm going again (that averages out to once a week...) from this data i can conclude that my physio-ness is pretty stuffed up.
my back is painful because my feet are bad and my knees do something and my hips aren't stable and my posture is bad.
i'm not a fan of doing things, i'm not a fan of pain and i am not a fan of strangers fidling with my muscles and such. all these things come with physio.
they have given me exersizes, fair enough they're mostly ok. the exceeptions are; one of them is extremely difficult to get right. when i was being taught there was a lot of "life your waist! ok now move your leg... noooooo don't use your back, only use your bum muscles" it was not fun. the other one, which involves a tennis ball, works in your back where there's lots of nerve endings, this means because i'm sensitive if i do it for more than thirty seconds i feel really sick and might pass out.
if i don't do these things my back hurt a lot.
also i now have orthotics and i'm not used to walking in them so if you see me walking like a retard at school it's because i'm walking on a smaller part of my foot and have bit of weird rubbery stuff in my shoe.
guess what else... i get t learn pilates.
i'm so stuffed...
bahhhh
so, i've been to the physio 3 times already this month and i'm pretty sure i'm going again (that averages out to once a week...) from this data i can conclude that my physio-ness is pretty stuffed up.
my back is painful because my feet are bad and my knees do something and my hips aren't stable and my posture is bad.
i'm not a fan of doing things, i'm not a fan of pain and i am not a fan of strangers fidling with my muscles and such. all these things come with physio.
they have given me exersizes, fair enough they're mostly ok. the exceeptions are; one of them is extremely difficult to get right. when i was being taught there was a lot of "life your waist! ok now move your leg... noooooo don't use your back, only use your bum muscles" it was not fun. the other one, which involves a tennis ball, works in your back where there's lots of nerve endings, this means because i'm sensitive if i do it for more than thirty seconds i feel really sick and might pass out.
if i don't do these things my back hurt a lot.
also i now have orthotics and i'm not used to walking in them so if you see me walking like a retard at school it's because i'm walking on a smaller part of my foot and have bit of weird rubbery stuff in my shoe.
guess what else... i get t learn pilates.
i'm so stuffed...
bahhhh
i'm too cold
kefbjshdbfk
because we moved my room around to put my desk in my bed is now in a different place. it's a good bed place but theair conditioner is blowing straight at the bed and it makes me cold whenever i am on the bed. actually i'm ganna fix it right now, hold on....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
ok, now i'm a good temperature and the title seems out o place. oh well, we'll roll with it. (haha "sometimes we roll around!")
now the air con is making funny noise i have to fix that...
...
fixed it! gosh i'm good.
alright this is already boring me, i'm not getting an interesting vibe from this bog so we'll leave it there.
over and out. (for now)
because we moved my room around to put my desk in my bed is now in a different place. it's a good bed place but theair conditioner is blowing straight at the bed and it makes me cold whenever i am on the bed. actually i'm ganna fix it right now, hold on....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
ok, now i'm a good temperature and the title seems out o place. oh well, we'll roll with it. (haha "sometimes we roll around!")
now the air con is making funny noise i have to fix that...
...
fixed it! gosh i'm good.
alright this is already boring me, i'm not getting an interesting vibe from this bog so we'll leave it there.
over and out. (for now)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)